I have been crying. Sobs that shake my body, wails, moans and groans. Have you ever cried so hard it hurt? I have been sore, feeling like my whole body has fought a battle.
Grief and sadness fell like a veil around me, everything was altered looking through its lense. My heart was heavy.
During one of these intense times of crying, I was sitting in my car. I felt that still, small voice just say simply- “I am here.”
It brought so much comfort. Not just knowing that God is present with me, but that He understands. He knows me- He sees me- all of me- and still loves me. Even in my lowest and most vile moments.
I want to talk to someone- to explain to them how I feel- but I don’t know that I really could. Some of it is beyond words- just this season- what God has laid on my heart- and my own personal struggles.
My heart is breaking for the innocent- but many of the tears I have cried are for the guilty and lost- those who can’t see how much they need Jesus. Those who have bought the lies of this world- and are suffering.
I am a passionate person. I cry easily- I laugh easily- I am touched by little, seemingly insignificant things. A look from my child, a verse of a song, a note from a friend, a clever joke from my husband- and I can be in the depths of despair at the beginning of the day and rejoicing and dancing in jubilation at the end.
Sometimes I lament for my lack of consistency- the way my moods wax and wane- how I feel some burdens for people so deeply it feels like my heart is splitting open.
God has made us all differently- I like to hope that as there are weaknesses and problems that come with being so tender and passionate- there are also ways that God can use it for His glory.
And that no matter where we are- on the mountain top- in the valley-or anywhere in between- we can know that God is there with us always.
The following are some verses from Ecclesiastes that have brought comfort to me this week. I encourage you to take the time to read the whole book and to let God speak to you.
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Ecclesiastes 12:9-14 The Conclusion of the Matter
9 Not only was the Teacher wise, but he also imparted knowledge to the people. He pondered and searched out and set in order many proverbs. 10The Teacher searched to find just the right words, and what he wrote was upright and true.
11 The words of the wise are like goads, their collected sayings like firmly embedded nails—given by one shepherd. 12 Be warned, my son, of anything in addition to them.
Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body.
13 Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the duty of all mankind.
14 For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.
There is nothing new under the sun- God, our creator, our Savior- He is the answer to all that we seek- our place of rest and peace.