I was replaying a conversation I had with someone while I was running today. I started thinking about the things that I said that I wish I wouldn’t have said- I felt so dumb- I am trying to be salt and light. To only say things that will encourage and lift up the body of Christ.
I felt tears of frustration and disappointment well up in my eyes. I started to pray and talk to God about my disappointment in myself. And I said to myself and to Him, I don’t know why I can’t change.
And then enlightenment struck- and I said out loud- I can’t; You can. And I just kept repeating it- I almost had to get off the treadmill b/c I started crying harder.
The perfectionist in me wants so desperately to control every area of my life. I want to do all the right things- just tell me what you want me to do God and I will do it.
But that is seeking Him through moral effort. Do A+B+C and that = the perfect Christian.
It doesn’t work that way. And I feel that conviction once again that I can relate best to the Pharisees. For they were so hung up on doing all the “right things” that they missed the Savior.
As I keep my gaze trained on God, He will work in me. I have to remember- and my husband kindly reminds me- that as we grow closer to the Lord many times we see our sinfulness even more clearly- and the depth of mercy and grace needed to redeem us hits us anew.
We see how much potential for evil lies within our sinful nature- and how often we hurt people with our selfish motives and thoughtless words.
It is easy for me to become discouraged when I see my own sinfulness. I have to remind myself- “Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.”
Being transformed is a work that God does in me through His Holy Spirit. I must submit to His direction- His will for my life. I must bend my will to His, and it will be painful at times.
It is the hardest but most wonderful thing. God does this work, I must only be willing and acknowledge my need for Him.
“I need thee O I need thee, every hour I need thee. O bless me now my Savior, I come to thee.”
I must give up control and say, “I surrender all.”
Songwriters: Hamm Regie Glenn, Moffitt David E. (Originally performed by: Clay Crosse)
I have wrestled in the darkness
Of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses
That I alone command
But these castles I’ve constructed
By the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms
On foundations made of sand
In the middle of the battle
I believe I’ve finally found
I’ll never know the thrill of victory
‘Til I’m willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense
And earthly strategies of war
So I’m laying down my arms
And running helplessly to Yours
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall x 3
I surrender all