My internet was down from Wednesday evening through this morning. So, I sat down to the keyboard yesterday and in a word document, wrote my thoughts:
As I sit in the dark and think about yesterday, my eyes swarm with tears. Hindsight is kicking my butt in the early morning hours, as I read from my Bible and studying over notes from previous BSF (Bible study fellowship) lessons.
I realize that I have let the enemy get a foothold again. I chose myself over God again. I have grieved my precious Savior and Lord AGAIN.
Grief overwhelms me and I stifle a sob. I don’t want to wake the whole family with my crying. And all the while I wonder, am I really sorry? Will I just make the same mistakes today?
How do I overcome? I want to claim the promise- we are more than conquerors through him who loved us! Why do I feel like a complete failure?
Once again I know. I am trying to do things in my own strength. I sought comfort in other things besides in the arms of Christ. I try to figure things out- help people without consulting him.
I am fighting a battle every day.
And yesterday the enemy snuck in and I didn’t seek God to fight the battle. I gave in to bad habits. Though I knew I was making bad choices, I didn’t turn away.
And I have grieved him again.
I don’t want to accept His grace today.
I want to grovel in self-pity and loath myself all day. I can feel it. This desire to pity myself for my hopeless state and say woe to you Rachel all day long.
But God doesn’t want us to live in the past. Yesterday is gone. Today is here. If I let yesterday’s sins disrupt his plan for today- I start the day defeated.
His mercies are new every morning. His grace meets me as I open my eyes.
Yes, we should be sorry for our sins, but as we lift those humbly to our God- we need to let them go. Remind ourselves that we are washed by the blood of the lamb. And we need that cleansing daily.
There will never be a day when we stop needing him- to cover us- to wash us- to make us new. And when we start this day, we should start with hope.
This is a lesson I am trying to learn- but the perfectionist in me still expects that I reach for that unattainable goal. And when I have to stare my failures in the face- discouragement and despair threaten to overwhelm me.
But God does not want me to live this life alone. Each time I stumble, he longs for me to simply reach out for Him- and agree with Him- yes, I need to abide in you each moment.
I need to keep my eyes fixed on the author and perfecter of my faith- and that isn’t me.
That’s you, God.
So I say to myself with resolve, “I will not give up, no matter how many times I stumble or lose the path you have called me to walk, I will heed your voice and turn to seek you once again. I will humble myself and pray the truth of your grace and mercy poured out for me, and keep walking in faith.”
Joy comes in the morning.
This is the day that the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!
I have to say it till I believe it. I have to live it until I believe it. Even when my heart is heavy- I will lift my voice to praise my God and my King.
After I wrote this entry in the morning, I read the devotional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young* for November 1. Here is an excerpt:
In your heart, you want to live in My Presence all the time. But in this world, that can be a very difficult thing to do. Don’t be discouraged if your mind wanders away from Me. And don’t accuse yourself of being a failure…I am pleased every time you reach out to talk with Me…This world-and its ruler…does everything it can to distract you. So when you force your way through all those distractions to talk to Me, you score a victory.
I wish I could include the whole entry. If you have it, please read it. It is titled Cheering You On. I had tears streaming down my cheeks, and the certainty that the Lord was speaking directly to my heart.
He is with us.
He is LOVE.
Let that love pour into your cracked, earthen vessel today and shine the light of Jesus for the world to see.
*This devotional is entitled Jesus Calling: 365 Devotions for Kids and was adapted for children by Tama Fortner. It is written as if Jesus is talking directly to the reader.
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