The truth hurts sometimes.
But I have learned that searching my heart requires honesty about what’s going on inside, and then confessing that to God.
I am tired of hard.
I want to be able to spend money without worrying about it.
I want to be able to go visit my family for the holidays and buy them all gifts- to experience that joy of fellowship, seeing them unwrap gifts that I know they would love- to see that look of joy on their faces.
I want to go on running dates with my husband again, to talk and share and leave our children with someone we trust.
I want to have a garden- I want to experience the joy of watching things bloom.
I want to have a place where I can host parties, have people over for dinner, watch kids for other Moms and give them a break.
And if you have talked to me sometime in the past year or so, I have probably shared with you about all that I am sacrificing- all that has been taken from me- and how I don’t understand.
O LORD, forgive my eyes- for they have been causing me to sin.
I have been looking so hard at all that I have lost I still fail to see all that I have gained.
I lose that spirit of thankfulness each time my words take me down this road.
And the comparisons, oh how they steal joy!
I look at these houses and yards and say, “why do they get to have that and not I?”
And in those moments, my heart becomes dissatisfied and I lose sight of all that God has graciously given.
I am still home with my children. God has provided all that we need so that I might enjoy this time with them.
We have found a church family that has blessed us and given us a place to plug in and serve.
We have several Bible studies nearby that we have been blessed to be a part of.
God has opened our eyes to see His beauty in nature, to slow down and enjoy Him.
We have seen God working in our lives and in the lives of others around us through our prayers and obedience. He has given us the privilege of seeing how He is using us. We have seen answers to prayer! What a precious gift.
I have had the joy of seeing my children grow in their faith and develop a love for God and His Word.
Oh, there are so many gifts. So many blessings.
And yes, there are hard things. There are struggles. There are tears.
But God has not left me alone in the midst of them. He ever tenderly loves me and leads me. He disciplines with a firm but kind hand, faithfully leading me further in.
And I have to be reminded of this over and over again. Hold on.
Keep on fighting the good fight.
Run the race with perseverance.
Keep your eyes on Jesus.
Because we are in a battle.
The enemy does everything he can to trip us up, to discourage and distract us.
And I come with a grateful heart today that God continues to lovingly lead me in this season and show me the sweetness of losing control to Him.
Letting him lead.
Letting his timing stand.
No fixing; no maneuvering or manipulating.
Just obedience. One step at a time.
Entrusting myself to the author and perfector of my faith- the one to whom every knee someday will bend and every tongue confess. Praise be to God.
Lord, you are so patient with me as I struggle in this season. I am so thankful that you are faithful, even when I am faithless. You are unchanging, even as I fumble and lose my way- question why. You are tender in your love. You pour mercies new every morning. Grace greater than all my sin. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness…help us walk in obedience today. To have the courage to trust you with all we don’t understand and to continually look to you. Lord, I long to be transformed into someone who sees you more than my circumstances. Someone who is quick to speak your praises, to encourage those around me, not regale them with tales about my difficulties. Holy Spirit, guide me. Remove self-centered talk from my lips and fill me with praises only for you- my God and king. You pour an overflow of blessings – may my eyes continually see and dwell in gratitude. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.