One of my favorite hymns of all time.
Jesus, Jesus How I trust Him
How I’ve proved him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus Precious Jesus
O for grace to trust him more…
And that last line resonates with me today.
I have felt it lately.
Though I know deep in my heart that yes, it is very sweet to trust in Jesus- there are secret parts of me- known only to my God- and only lately becoming known to me- where I find seeds of doubt.
They come in small pieces- thoughts, words, actions- that gently whisper to me and through which I glimpse those locked doors- strongholds…
Little ways where I still cling, still escape, and in those moments live like God doesn’t exist- or maybe he doesn’t care, maybe he doesn’t understand… still trying to hide my humanity, my frailty, my failure…
It hurts to admit that I fail to love faithfully the one I know loves me the most completely and perfectly- and to be aware that he knows every corner of my heart and soul-sees all those moments and grieves the loss of me and the ramifications for my own spirit when I disconnect from union with him.
And I have begun to see trust as an essential part of what holds my vine securely tethered to his. I only abide as I trust and believe his promises to me, and I am not lured away by the world and its empty promises.
Freedom in Christ alludes me simply because I choose to listen to those whispers of doubt rather than cling to him.
Thoughts like this can fill me with despair- and in past portions of my life- that despair would have overtaken me and my Bible would have gathered dust on the shelf. Mostly because I couldn’t bear to stare at the reality of my own spiritual bankruptcy, and to see how impossible it was to scale the mountain to his holiness.
Praise be to God that in this season, the Son has broken through, and light shone on the leprosy of those lies that ate at my soul and kept me starved in a spiritual desert of my own making.
I see now that the Lord accepts and loves the broken, vulnerable, confused, feeble, undisciplined and needy woman that I am- and he reminds me of my value- yet keeps me grounded in humility.
I catch glimpses sometimes of glorious depths– places I have only briefly touched but long to linger- where Christ is sweeter and my rest is deeper.
Knowing him better- the true God of the Bible- and not the “god” that I made him up to be based on this fallen world and those little lies that have taken hold over the years- has freed me to rest even as I see my true self in the reflection of His Word.
Not that I fully like or accept where I am- but I know who I am in Him– a child of God and heir with Christ. The Holy Spirit dwells in me; I am changed and continue to be changed by this journey with Him.
As the fire of trial rages in our lives, we recognize how our circumstances have drawn us to a lonely place with the LORD. To wait and trust Him and not impulsively act, try to fix, solve, manipulate- it is not this world’s way.
We know that God will provide all our needs, according to his riches in glory.
I have no wisdom to offer in this season- no insight. And every time I venture forth beyond today- desperately trying to control what may come- I find myself racked with anxiety and worry- a worthless place to reside.
And so I cling and wait. I acknowledge my helplessness and pour out my heart to God and pray for more trust and faith, for peace and joy in the midst of uncertain days.
That my hubby and I might be witnesses of the faithfulness of God- that He is good in all times- not just when we have plenty and all the bills are paid and we are comfy and cozy- but also when we feel we are hanging on by a thread over a cliff and could fall at any minute…except that the thread that holds us is Christ. Stronger and more sure than any of those false securities that we have clung to in vain all our lives.
He is the only one thing that truly holds me. And in his grip I feel secure- even when all around me swirls the storm. I do not fear for my children- for what we will eat or where we will sleep or what we will wear. For the first time in my life I see clearly that all these things have and will come graciously from my Father’s hand.
And we will see his provision and praise His holy name.
O LORD, as we cling- as we acknowledge your lordship- may the sweetness of faith in you deepen in our hearts and lives.
O, precious Lord, O for grace to trust you more.