When Fears and Doubts Assail

68/365:  Bad Mommy Morning

When fears and doubts assail…

I will place my trust in you.

As I read the Psalms these days, I am amazed by the simple trust and quietness of spirit I find there.  Genuine love and passion for the Lord; thanksgiving bursting at the seams.

Thank you God that I also find prayers in the midst of fear and doubt- in seasons of trial and difficulty- that lend credence to my own prayers in tears and trembling.

The longer we walk this road of unemployment, the harder it is to keep holding on in faith. I feel those whispers intruding more often.

This week I have dealt with anger toward my hubby- not because of anything he has done- but I want him to fix this situation.  I want him to find a job, and in my own selfishness and sinfulness- I have been distancing myself from him and closing off to him emotionally.

As I peeled back those layers today with the LORD, I found fear underneath.  Fear of what might happen to us.

Will we lose our house?

Will we be able to buy food and the things we need to provide for our children?

The possible humiliation of having to move in with family, to not be able to provide for our own family.

It hurts to share these fears, to admit that they have found purchase in my mind.  And I found that I am not angry with my hubby, not really.

I am struggling with the loss of control in this season.  I feel impotent, unable to contribute to this situation with some kind of work or effort.  I am left to prayer, and though I know and believe that prayer is a powerful and effective tool to refine me and draw me closer to the LORD, it has been hard to surrender the need I often feel to “do something.”

And as I sought the LORD regarding this fear, I found that I need to play it out like any other fear that takes hold.

What if my husband does not get a job?  We may move in with family.  Maybe that is where God wants us.  Will I choose to be content if that is where the LORD is leading?

Reading George Muller’s autobiography during this season has been tremendously encouraging to me.  The way he waits on the LORD and trusts him to supply all his temporal wants has inspired and challenged me.

And so I have asked myself- do I want to have a testimony of God’s faithfulness and provision to us, or do I want to “fix this” myself?

I want to wait on God. 

I choose to wait on God.

I know that at the right time, God will answer.

He promises to answer when we call.

I believe that asking for employment for my husband is a God-honoring prayer.  He wants to work and serve with the gifts God has given him, and I believe that God will provide- immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine- if we wait on him in faith.

This has been so hard friends!  There are days when I feel like I am barely hanging on- but God always calms me as I seek him.

He whispers sweet truths to me and restores my soul.  He blesses me with peace and thankfulness to see all the rich blessings he has already given.  A reminder that he loves us and will provide all that we need.

Wherever you may be, whatever season you are facing- will you trust him to provide?

Lord, we come before you in our human frailty, admitting that we struggle with letting go of control.  When things happen, it is hard for us to wait on you.  We want to find a solution and move on.  Sometimes, you desire to refine us as we wait.  Just as David hid and waited while Saul threatened his life, sometimes you call us to lonely, hard places where we must depend on you.  As we struggle with being still before you, and waiting patiently for your provision, strengthen us.  Make our steps firm Lord, as we seek to walk the path of obedience and submission to you.  May our words and actions during this season bring glory and honor to your name.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

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