Does your grip get weak sometimes?
Life’s circumstances make my hands sweaty; anxiety and worry tease and taunt on the periphery of my mind.
Sometimes the fire just seems too hot.
And I find myself wanting to turn away from some truths that are hard to stare down.
My own selfishness.
And sometimes I just want some breathing room.
Because it is hard saying no sometimes, even when I know that obeying God is best.
Sometimes I choose the rocky road, the bloody feet…the pain.
And sometimes my sin feels heavy.
I avoid a quiet time, or just rush through it.
I have other things to do that day.
Or I don’t take time to pray- I do a cursory one here or there- but my heart doesn’t feel…in it.
I am going through the motions, and know even as I do that I am behaving like the scribes and Pharisees.
Heart is what matters- our God wants our hearts.
His love is full of passion.
He desires to know us intimately and be intimately known.
The closer we come to Him, the more His light shines into the dark places of our heart- the secret sins- the rationalized and excused areas of disobedience.
And we must choose- to follow and obey- or turn away.
It is a daily, moment by moment journey.
There are still days when I fall into those sins- those habits that are hard to break- and I feel like such a hypocrite.
And sometimes it shocks me- the depth of my own sinfulness- even though I am really trying to abide…I see my own depravity and I don’t want anyone to see this…why do I think that if I distance myself from God perhaps he won’t see…?
That’s why I have not posted for so long- my heart has been heavy with my sins, the battles I am waging.
Sometimes I don’t know if I will ever win…and then I remember God’s Word- this life is not the end.
Suffering, pain, hardship- we will face.
But we never walk alone.
I want to keep trying, keep fighting- keep seeking God.
And on those mornings when I wake up and cringe at my bad choices, when I cry tears of regret- I will surrender once again.
I will admit my fault and gratefully receive the grace poured out upon me through Jesus Christ my Savior…and I will invite him in again.
Hold on to Jesus.
Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good (Romans 12:9 MSG).
O LORD, help me accept your discipline and never forget the overwhelming, self-sacrificial love that you pour out over me today and every day. My sins don’t reach beyond the realm of what your love can touch. You sweep away my offenses like a cloud- and you call to me- RETURN. Return to me. I will LORD, today, I want to renew my spirit, and renew my mind. Though our relationship may ebb and flow- I choose to keep walking with you. To read your precious Word and seek you. Nothing in this world compares to you. It would all be loss without you, Jesus. You bring meaning, hope, and joy- you fill all the longings of my heart. Thank you- for all I can see and all I cannot see- for the ways you are working all things for good. Glory to your precious name, Amen.