In these past few years, my illusion of self-sufficiency has crumbled.
I have realized I can’t.
I will never be good enough.
I will never- by my own will– overcome.
In desperation, I reached out to God.
I had reached the end of my own striving- knowing that if I ever hoped to be the mom, wife, friend, woman- that I wanted to be- I needed to reach outside myself.
I was not enough.
All that working- busyness, productivity, hurrying- and I was lost.
How could a girl who had grown up in the church be so confused?
I really believed that my own efforts mattered the most. That the most important thing was to get busy doing at church- to join lots of serving efforts/work on committees and the more productive I am- the more I am doing for God- the better a Christian I am. I believed I was fulfilling the purpose he had me here for.
So why did I feel so empty and alone?
Why was I yelling at my kids and feeling defeated and barely able to make it through the day?
Without faith it is impossible to please God.
If I am not seeking Him- how can I know His will?
If I am not in His Word- how can I claim his promises for me and walk in truth?
So I came- broken, and weary, and worn.
God was waiting.
He embraced me and has led me – I have learned so much from Him over these past few years.
I still struggle sometimes with simply feeling overwhelmed by my circumstances.
I am aware that I am not enough- that I don’t have control- and alone I can’t.
I know that I can’t…but sometimes I forget the most important thing.
With God all things are possible.
But we must seek Him out.
Talk to him when things get too big.
When the pressure builds.
When my children are fighting and dinner needs to be prepared and the floor is dirty and someone calls needing to talk…
When I feel afraid, sad, or lonely.
When I feel that no one understands or cares, when I am discouraged and ashamed of my own selfishness, when I snap at the kids…
Sometimes the most simple thing is the most powerful.
Simply saying- “I am here God, I need you. Speak to me.”
We live defeated when we don’t pray. When we fail to invite God into our problems and our joys.
He makes it all richer.
He shows us purpose in trials, character building, endurance.
And when it all doesn’t make sense- he gives us hope beyond this life. A time when he will set all things right- His justice will rule the earth.
You see, I feel more totally broken, messed up, and not enough now, than I ever have.
I wake up longing for a word from God- because I need it! Oh I need Him.
My desperation has reached a depth and ache that I never would have imagined.
I can’t be good enough without Him.
What does His Word say?
That I am a sinner in need of the blood of Jesus.
I am the vine, you are the branches.
There is no other way to stop the full wrath of God coming upon me.
Apart from me you can do nothing.
It doesn’t matter how “bad” my sins rate versus someone else.
For some reason I just never got that- and I think we must teach that to our children.
We need to understand from a young age that we are not enough on our own.
But that’s ok.
For God sent His Son Jesus to take our just punishment and to reconcile us to himself.
So that now I may approach the throne of grace with confidence.
I have received mercy and a full pardon.
But that doesn’t change the reality that we are still not enough on our own.
It is not a one time thing- it is relationship. It is life. It is a journey.
Living one moment at a time seeking God’s presence.
Letting each breath be a prayer.
Each act worship.
Working with all our hearts unto the Lord.
Living only to bring Him glory.
And in our own “not enoughness” God comes in and does the miraculous through cracked vessels of clay.
Broken bodies and humbled hearts- those who fear Him and call upon his Name.
It isn’t just one call.
It is now, and again, and again, and again- over this whole journey of life.
Walking with Him, living in Him, abiding in Him.
Always with Him.
One of our culture’s idols is self-sufficiency.
Do it yourself.
But our God whispers a different way- in your weakness, I am strong.
Only when you are empty- can I fill you.
A broken and contrite heart- O Lord- you will not despise.
There is another way to live…on our knees.
Living the reality that we are not enough.
We will never be.
And praise God- we don’t have to be.
When we see that we are not enough- when we live that truth- that’s when God comes in and enables and works through us.
All glory to our Savior and King.