I have been having one of those days. You know what I am talking about. When you feel like you can’t do anything right.
You try to stop and pray, to change the direction of the rushing river corralling you straight into a spiral of failure and despair.
Snapping at the kids, errands going awry, schedule messed up, general increased stress, feeling like everything is a little off- and maybe (like me) you are not even sure exactly why you are acting the fool.
Oh, I have been so frustrated. I was finally reduced to tears as I ran this morning. I could see the hurt in my daughter ‘s eyes.
Guilt is a powerful force. And when we have truly failed, messed up, crashed and burned in a colossal way- there is a definite temptation to throw in the towel.
How can I act this way? I love my children, how could I snap at them? Why am I suddenly acting like I am irritated to have to help them do things?
I love them!
I am disgusted with myself. Truly. Reviled by the evil I see so evident in my own life.
After I took a shower I sat down to have lunch.
I grabbed my Bible, prayed (help me Lord please!)- and I started to read in Psalms and Proverbs- I was going to head to Romans after that-determined to keep reading until my heart was right.
God faithfully answered my prayer and spoke to me through his Word.
My problem= all morning my eyes had been fixed on me.
So simple but I had missed it!
I had taken my gaze off my Lord and Savior. Apart from Him I can do nothing-I needed to once again cling to the Vine.
It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, to the music of the lute and the harp, to the melody of the lyre. For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.
I lift my eyes up,
up to the mountains
where does my help come from
My help comes from you
Maker of Heaven
Creator of the Earth
O how I need you Lord
You are my only Hope
You are my only Prayer
So I will wait for you
To come and rescue me
To come and give me life. (written by: Brian Doerksen)
Give up the battle.
Fall into God’s arms.
Hold Him, Praise Him.
Remember all that He has done.
And there we find peace.
Lord, forgive me for leaving you behind today. For trying to go it alone…again. I love you Lord- you know better than me what I need. O God redeem my mistakes- protect my children from my own sin Lord- from those times when I fall. My heart breaks when I see the damage I can do to their tender spirits- when I see the pain my humanity evokes- I cry out in desperation to You. How I long to be perfect to keep them from pain- and yet, I know that you don’t expect perfection. You know that I will fail as a parent. I will miss things, make mistakes, fail. You can use all things for good- and I entrust my family and myself into your care- knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope. I want to endure in You, to continue to cling day by day. Lord I pray that I keep my eyes fixed on you for the rest of this day. I want to rest in You. Give me strength to fight my flesh and seek Your Will. All glory and honor and praise to You, Lord, God Almighty- in Jesus Christ’s Name I pray, Amen.