These past few days have been tough.
I feel God’s presence in my life- I am so thankful for all that He is teaching me- I am soaking it in.
But I miss my friends so much! I miss the effortless conversation- no awkward pauses or uneasiness.
I feel this surge of anxiety thinking about going to Bible Study tonight. Why? Because I am afraid I will say something too personal to a group of virtual strangers because I am so desperate for deep and meaningful conversation.
I don’t want to word vomit on anyone. I have seriously thought about staying home. I won’t- but I have thought about it.
I am a social butterfly- love meeting new people, love talking and sharing and laughing. Love cooking for people and having them over.
But right now I am so socially deprived I am afraid that I will be completely selfish in my interaction-not to listening and supporting others but just talking about myself.
I don’t want to be that way, and I know that when I get home afterwards, if I have done that- I will spend several hours potentially replaying the conversations and cringing at the self-centered focus of my conversation.
I just find myself praying- Lord, I don’t know how to do this.
I am so thirsty- and I know you can’t just jump in the deep end with relationships- most of the time you wade in the shallow for a while and slowly, tentatively step a little deeper over time.
Unless you have an amazing connection or an event takes place that makes you kindred spirits in either pain or joy- relationships just take time.
I know that, but how do I handle it when I’m parched? And the anxiety is stealing my joy.
So I felt bad for even thinking about this and I was telling myself just be joyful- be thankful- list the things you are thankful for in your head- stop thinking negative thoughts.
But then I remembered, you have to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones- with truth. So, I reached over and grabbed my Bible.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
but my ears you have opened
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart.”
9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
17 But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.
How does this Psalm start?
I waited patiently for the Lord. I waited-patiently-for the Lord.
Lord, I know that I need to trust you- to depend on your strength. I cannot be the person I long to be apart from you. May I rest in the shadow of your wings- Lord be my shield. I rest my hope in you- knowing that you alone will bring the rest I need now in my spirit.
I love you- thank you for sending your Son to save me. Thank you for freeing me from the power of sin in my life- that I may choose now, in this moment to trust you. Bless my time of fellowship tonight- help me to love as you love and be slow to speak.
In Jesus Name, Amen.