Deeper In…

through thoughts / in dreams

These past few months have been a dry spell spiritually for me.  Before today, perhaps I would have waffled about the reason-hemmed and hawed and made excuses- but the truth is it was simply unrepentant sin.  There are habits in my life that God has asked me to let go of, and I had not fully let go- until now.

Several lessons have been learned in this season- one of the greatest for me is simply to stop trying to do this on my own.  Even when God asks me to let something go- he doesn’t expect me to go off on my own- to say “I’ve got this”- and come back once I have it handled.  I walk in that process with him.  He enables us to obey as we place our trust in him.

That means in those moments of weakness I simply must acknowledge my need and ask for the courage to obey him and turn away from sin.

What prompted this turn around for me?

In part, meditation and study of Mark 4:24-25.  One of the Bible studies that I attend has been studying Mark, and in the context of Jesus’ parables and exhortation- “Pay attention to what you hear,” my spiritual ears did indeed hear, and my heart softened and turned.

Mark 4:24-25

And he said to them, “Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you. 25 For to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.”

We have a choice to put into practice what God teaches us through his Word.

He gives us insight, he teaches us and guides us.  But this truth can be lost if we fail to live it.  Just as James 1 warns us:

 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

And I was reminded of scriptures that are sweet to my soul- talking about God’s Word and the blessedness of it.

My soul is satisfied as with a feast…

Your love is better than life…

Lead me in the path of your commandments for I delight in it…

And I acknowledge that this is hard.  This reprogramming of my brain to not fight against the work of God in my life but to actively join in with it.  This habit of sinfulness and selfishness in me has to slowly die to his righteous law- to his Lordship of my life.

I know that my fight with sin will not be over in this life- it will rage on and on.

I want to participate in it- to be actively and openly inviting God into all those secret places where the lies have gotten stored up.  I want his truth to penetrate it all.  And it will be painful, and it will be hard.  But it will also be gloriously freeing, and the blessedness of drawing nearer to my Savior- I know in my heart that once I surrender,  I will not miss these things that distract and tempt me away from God.

Once I give Him that piece of me I will not regret entrusting Him with more.

In closing- I invite you to meditate on one of my favorite hymns- becoming dearer and dearer as I walk on this journey of life with my Savior. Drink in each verse, slowly savoring each sip.

  1. ’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
    Just to take Him at His Word;
    Just to rest upon His promise,
    And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

    • Refrain:
      Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
      How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
      Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
      Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
  2. Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
    Just to trust His cleansing blood;
    And in simple faith to plunge me
    ’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
  3. Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
    Just from sin and self to cease;
    Just from Jesus simply taking
    Life and rest, and joy and peace.
  4. I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
    Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
    And I know that Thou art with me,
    Wilt be with me to the end.

Deep blue sea / Mar Azul intenso

He Reproves Those He Loves…

If I've Told You Once....

On our way back from the park today, my daughter closed the door on her brother when he was trying to grab something from under the seat.  He immediately began crying, but my attention was elsewhere.

My vantage point was such that I had seen the look on her face when she shut that door. It was evident she knew exactly what she was doing.  She knew her brother wanted something out of the car and she shut the door on him to intentionally keep him from getting it.

I spoke very sharply to her and reproved her for her conscious effort to keep her brother from getting the book out of the car that he wanted.  She began to cry.  My daughter is very tender-hearted, and I wanted to take advantage of this teachable moment.

As I reflected on the best way to approach this situation on our walk upstairs to the apartment, the Lord graciously brought to mind the Scripture passage that I had opened the morning before.

Proverbs 3:11-12

My child, do not despise the Lord’s discipline
    or be weary of his reproof,
12 for the Lord reproves the one he loves,
    as a father the son in whom he delights.

And I opened that passage to her and read it to her several times out loud.  I discipline her because I love her.  I want to help lead and guide her to make choices that honor God and convey her love for others.

It was convicting to this Mom’s heart as well.  The Lord reproves those he loves.  I am so thankful that the Lord loves me enough to convict me through his Holy Spirit when I am settling for less than His best in my life.

I may have not always made that face my daughter made this morning, but I have hardened my heart toward God when I have wanted to go my own way, when I have doubted that His way is best.

I hope and pray, through God’s abiding presence, that I will live this truth and not just parrot it to my children.  That they won’t be empty words but words that pierce me and humble me and drive me to my knees praying that I don’t miss it- that I make the most of every opportunity and let nothing come between me and my precious Savior.

O Lord, drive out those false loves from our lives.  Those things that distract us from wholeheartedly and joyfully serving you and loving those around us.  Keep our hearts tender to your reproof.  Father, open our eyes to see you using all things including discipline to guide us toward the plan and purpose you have for us in this life.  Help us not to miss the tasks you have called us to- those that you have planned uniquely for us (Eph. 2:10).  Precious Savior, I need you daily- that I might be an example to my children of daily walking and living in obedience- not just paying lip service.  Help us to not just be hearers but doers- bringing honor and glory to your Name.  In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

Love Me Here


I feel dry and cracked and weary today.  Disappointed with the reality that faces me after all we have been through in this past year and a half.

I thought that we would get through this and have some sort of revelation on the other side- a breakthrough.

I thought something might change- something momentous- something wonderful- after all the hard and stress and separation.

And all I feel is let down. Like there are just as many questions now as there were in GA.

Why are we even here?

The restless stirrings are still here.

Those prayers that have not been answered.

It seems like I am spinning my wheels.

I am so dizzy with questions.

And yet-I know whom I have believed.  I do not doubt my precious Savior and know that somehow He is working in all this.

And I have recognized the power in a simple choice.  To take those problems to the Lord and not ignore or run away from reality.  To face my disappointment and confusion about why things are not working out as I hoped or expected.

To still praise Him today.

I believe his promises even when my circumstances are not what I expected or hoped for.

So I say simply to my Lord- “Hold me and love me here.

O Lord, help me find joy and contentment in my current circumstances.  May I be your willing instrument to be used as you will, not as I will.  Thank you for loving me here when I am selfish and angry and confused about why things are the way they are.  Your Word guides me and awakens my mind to recognize my wrong patterns of thinking.  You guide me in truth and teach me as I walk with you.  Thank you Lord for your patience and compassion.  For a Savior who empathizes with my struggles and speaks on my behalf.  One day at a time Lord, thank you for your tender mercies.  In Jesus Name I pray and find my strength, Amen.




A New Beginning


I have missed being here.

This is a place, a space where I linger and let my mind collect, sort, and process all that is happening in my life.

I have to slow down.  But when I slow down now, one thought surfaces before the others…

Starting over is hard.

I know that most of you reading this will know what I mean.

We have all had to start over in something at some point in life.

My husband and I have lived in 3 different states since we had kids.  We have moved every 2-3 years for our entire marriage- sometime even more often than that.

One of the things that frequently spurs me down that path of negativity (these days) revolves around leaving places that I have come to love, people that I have begun to share my life with, churches that have become like home.

Without the Lord, I don’t know that I would have the courage to do this again and again.

I am a creature that craves comfort and the familiar.

It takes courage to introduce myself to new people, to begin at that stage where conversations can be stilted and awkward, fraught with possible misunderstandings that lack of history inevitably produces.

God calls us to be courageous.  To persevere even when the road gets rough.

We have to trust in the one who has sent us here.  We know this is where God wants us right now.  We don’t know why- that may reveal itself in time.

And when I think that I don’t want to start over, and tears prick my eyes as I think of all I have left behind, I have to take a deep breath and remember that God is with me.  This happens one day at a time.

And like I have learned in other seasons of life, we can’t focus too far ahead.  We will miss the beauty of the now, the precious seconds that are right before us.

I will grieve those I have left behind, and I will try to write, e-mail, and keep in touch with them.

I won’t try to push down or deny my feelings, but I pray also that I will not be ruled by my emotions and the grief that sometimes threatens to overwhelm me and shut out everything else.

I am content and at peace as I remember that God, who never changes, walks with us and is behind us and before us.

We are hemmed in by his love.

He knows our needs and he will graciously provide them as he has promised.

We are secure in Him.

He is our one true home- the home that travels with us wherever he may lead.

The state where we live may change- jobs, friends, churches- all these may change…

Psalm 73:26  My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

I take courage and pray that you may as well as we remember…

Our God is with us.

Our God is for us.

Our God never fails.



What I Deserve: Entitled to Death

Grave of Mary Elizabeth  173

Even as I wrote it, this title seemed a little harsh.  But as I linger in the gospels during this Lenten season, I can’t help considering what a harsh reality life without a Savior would be.

For the wages of sin is death…that’s what I deserve.  Each has gone astray and turned their own way- the Lord laid on Jesus Christ the iniquity of us all.

My sin necessitated action on God’s part.  He is just, and my sin was against Him.  It makes me think of David in Psalm 51- against you and you alone have I sinned.

It is so easy to forget or ignore how much our sin hurts God.

How often do we think only of the consequences of our bad choices and how if affects us and forget to grieve over the pain that we have caused our Creator and Redeemer?

Our gratitude for Christ’s sacrifice increases as we meditate on and ponder all that we have done to deserve death.  We are sinful and selfish, stubborn and prideful.

We hurt other people in pursuit of our own pleasure or desire to escape.

This is an age of distraction, where many times we look for anything to take us away from focusing on the now.

We are called to be watchful, to be on our guard- to actively fight against this sinful nature within us- that beckoning of so many things that vie for our attention and seek to distract us from God, or make us forget Him altogether.

Six times.

Six times the Lord has brought this passage to mind over the past week.  And as I have pondered it and prayed over it, the Lord has been gently calling me to let some things go- to knock down walls of distraction that keep me from focusing on God and his call for me in this life.

Mark 12:29-30 Jesus answered, “The first is, ‘Hear oh Israel; the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.”

How do we live it?

So that anyone who looks at our life, whether they know us or not, sees Him in us?

I want that so desperately- a life lived in submission to my Savior where it is evident that He is my first love.

We love because He first loved us.

It is so easy to forget.


I see the Israelites and how forgetful they were, and I recognize my own forgetfulness too.  It is so easy to become focused on myself, my current circumstances, and forget what God has just done for me only days and weeks before.

We are a forgetful people.

That’s why we need to be in God’s Word daily, meditating on His promises- because we forget- and when we forget we lose sight of Him and that leads to sin.

He keeps our feet from slipping.

He holds us secure.

Love with our heart- all our passion and fervor concentrated upon Him because of our gratitude for His love for us. Love for His law and commandments- trusting that He knows best.

Love with our soul- the center of who we are- with our identity, the deepest parts of us- connected with him, in submission to Him.

Love with our mind- taking our thoughts captive, meditating on His promises, memorizing Scripture, focusing on things that are…

Phil. 4:8 …whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

There is conscious effort in these disciplines, and my daily choices of how I spend my time should show that I care deeply about whether God approves of those things I see with my eyes and hear with my ears.

Love God with my strength- to use my body to honor him and work for Him.  To work hard and use my time and talents to serve my neighbor, loving them as I love myself.

BBC CrossSo I ask you dear friends as I have asked myself this week- what do I love more than God?

What am I going to do about it?

We can continue to rationalize and make excuses for the sin that we let linger, or we can ask God to cleanse us from all that distracts us from serving Him completely, and once again say- “All to Jesus, I surrender, all to him I freely give.  I will ever love and trust Him, in his presence daily live.  I surrender all, I surrender all.  All to thee my precious Savior, I surrender all.”


O Lord, as I ponder Christ’s death- not only his physical pain but that He endured separation from you, His precious Father- for me- I am overwhelmed.  And I see my sin that held him there.  He chose to rescue me from the death I deserved and give me the glorious gift of salvation through the shedding of His blood, through His death.  You planned this from the beginning.  You made a way for us to be reconciled.  I am so overwhelmed by your love and care.

Not only that Christ died, but that he also lived and suffered and was tempted as a human man- so that we have a Savior that can empathize with our weaknesses. We know that He was tempted in every way and yet he did not sin- and he did it all for us.

Jesus, you thought of me, as you died upon that tree on Calvary.  You bled and died so that I might be free.  O Lord, my King, help me to live in gratitude today.  To honor you with remembrance of all you’ve done.  To share and rejoice in this truth with my family and friends- and with those who have yet to encounter your glorious love and grace.  Deepen my love for you.  May I cry out like David in Psalm 119 and glory in your love and law- in the glorious truth that changes me- your Word.  Free us from all that entangles us so that we may joyfully praise your Name.  Through Jesus my Savior I pray, Amen.


Tossed by Feelings


(written Sunday morning)

As I read the last chapter of Elizabeth Elliot’s book Discipline: The Glad Surrender this morning, I found myself so thankful for this precious word that the Lord has brought to me today.

The Scripture in James came to mind about the waves tossing me around, no self-control, no mooring, just going which ever way emotion seems to send me.

James 1:5-8

If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. But ask in faith, never doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind;for the doubter, being double-minded and unstable in every way, must not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

Our feelings, which can be so strong and powerful at times, must be brought under the discipline and care of the Lord. 

That doesn’t mean that I stop feeling.  I will continue to pour out my heart to God as the Psalmist encourages me to do.

But I don’t want to let my feelings steer the ship of my soul.  I know whom I have believed.  And when my heart trembles and emotions weigh me down and oppress me, I want to acknowledge this before the Lord and ask him for the strength to obey, even when it is hard.

We are moving in a few weeks.  My emotions are in constant turmoil about this.  I will miss our house and our neighbors; I will miss our church.  I will miss my Bible Study friends, and fellowship over God’s Word together.

All these sacrifices are nothing, if this is where God is leading us.  And praise His Name, I know that it is.  He has blessed us with that confidence and peace.  Every time that my emotions rear up, I have to speak the truth of this situation to myself and hold fast to God.

I can’t let my emotions turn me and toss me this way and that.  It is so hard sometimes!

This chapter was so timely this morning.  It has strengthened my resolve to trust God, even when my circumstances are hard.  Especially when I am thrown out of my comfort zone and confronted with many trying circumstances.

This morning, as we prepare for church, I don’t know if our car will start (it just started acting up last night); my husband is out of state and unable to help. I find myself once again in a position where I must seek help from others, another blow to my illusion of self-sufficiency.

I need the Lord so desperately to give peace to my soul despite my circumstances.  I don’t want to be tossed about, but to rest in the confidence that my Savior knows what I need, even before I ask him.

He will provide.

And though this road may not be easy, if I am walking the way He has called me to, there will always be grace sufficient for all my needs and strength to perform all the tasks he has called me to do.

Taking a deep breath this morning and leaning into Him.  I need Him every hour, and in this hour I pray and hope to hold Him, keep my eyes heavenward, and pray for the strength to surrender my emotions to his Lordship.

Lord, you are sufficient for all my needs.  Help me remind myself that you keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you.  That precious promise.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord is the rock eternal.  You are my rock.  Strong. Secure.  Able to hold me steady through any storm.  Thank you for being so steady and unwavering.  I know that I can believe and hold fast to your Word and stand firm in Your promises to me.  Praise be to your precious Name.  Through Jesus Christ your son I pray, Amen.

Never Leave Hungry

Empty Plate

When I come to the Lord’s table each morning, I have found a feast that satisfies like no other.

He gives us food for our souls that sustains far beyond a meager earthly meal.

Anticipating what will satisfy the needs of each hour, the Lord always seems to know the words I need to hear- whether they be reproof or encouragement, discipline or exhortation- they are always delivered with love that knows me completely.

And as I sat down to the feast of 1 Peter this morning, and lingered in the gospel of Matthew, I was reminded once again of how tenderly the Lord cares for us.

This amazing mystery of how he speaks to us in so many ways- through circumstances, people, his Word, prayer…and sometimes those repeated messages come one after another- one verse, one theme- and we know that this word is for us.

Our amazing Creator God takes the time to lovingly speak into our present situation- with all its joys and challenges- he reminds us that he is sovereign and always working.  Like in Esther- he uses all things.  Even when his Name is not mentioned, his fingerprint is all over it.  We see how he works through even the most mundane and seemingly unimportant circumstances to bring about his perfect will.

I feel as though I only catch a small glimpse of the depth of what this means, and yet it makes my heart leap for joy in my chest.  Knowing that He will lead and guide- that He has a plan and purpose and doesn’t want to shroud it in mystery but eagerly wants to reveal things to me.

But I must seek Him.  Those who hunger and thirst for righteousness will be satisfied.  Those who know they are poor in spirit- in need of a Savior.

So many things in our lives have not worked out the way that I would have planned.  I am so thankful!  The unexpected tapestry of events that the Lord has weaved surpasses any mundane plan that would have crossed my mind.  I love how He works in our lives!

It is not easy my friends, and still I am challenged and stretched in so many ways.  There are areas I still need to surrender to the Lord, habits that need to change- and yet even in the midst of my brokenness I see Him working in me, and I am overwhelmed with thankfulness.

There is nothing more critical than seeking God daily- inviting him into this life and not only “consulting” with Him but truly taking his yoke upon us.  It requires a surrender and yielding of our rights and expectations for this life.  This has been hard for me to let go of- I am still struggling- but I see those little glimpses of how God blesses when we let go of what we want and instead reach eagerly for His will for us.  I want more of that!!

Taped up to my computer, I have a small note card.  It says, “I am yielded to God.  All my rights and expectations are his.”

It also has the verse Romans 6:13:

 No longer present your members to sin as instruments of wickedness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and present your members to God as instruments of righteousness.

Each day is an opportunity to actively submit to the will of God, moment by moment, and shun evil and sin- to recognize it for what it is- and choose instead to trust in our Savior.

Presenting every part of our body before him, let us surrender today to his yoke and his will-to his perfect plan- determined to actively pursue him- pursue righteousness.

Romans 12:1-2 comes to mind as I write. 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.

In response to all that God has done for us, I pray and hope that today I might surrender more fully to his perfect will.  As we come to his table in worship, may we hunger for more of Him, eat, and be satisfied.

Precious Lord, you know how these words pierce me and come out as a battle cry with tears of sorrow and joy intermingled.  Memories filter through my mind of times when I have fought and times when I have failed and your mercy and grace covers all.  You have always been faithful.  You have always loved me, and you always will.  Your Word is essential.  It breathes life in us, gives us strength for the tasks you have called us to, helps us avoid being deceived.  Give us a burning hunger for you; may we only find rest  in what you tell to our longing hearts.  Show us where we are being deceived, so that we may more fervently love and obey you.  Blessed be your Name in all the earth.  You are our King, our Creator, our friend.  You have sought us out to rescue and redeem us- even when we were lost in sin.  O Lord, how great is your love for us!  Thank you, all praise and honor to your holy Name.  Amen.



A Child Again

To see the world through the eyes of a child

I remember thinking, when I was young and still living at home, “Someday I will be grown-up and I will make my own decisions and no one will be able to tell me what to do.”

These kinds of thoughts and aspirations came to mind this past week when I was talking with my daughter.  She asked me a question, and I said I didn’t know the answer.  Her reply was, “Let’s ask dad, he will know.  He knows everything.”

But instead of drawing me into thoughts of her dad and what a great father he is, I found myself thinking of the Scripture passage about becoming like little children.

Do I have faith like that in my heavenly Father? 

Do I truly live like I believe he has all the answers and I can trust him?

 Matthew 18:1-5

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a child, whom he put among them, and said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

We are called to become like little children again.

To yield to the will of our Father and place our lives in His hands.

To follow His leading in simple trust and faith.

To seek to please Him alone and never hold any word in higher esteem than his.

My simple prayer as we enter this next season is that God will be the steering the ship, and that we will not attempt to take that from him.

That we will wait upon him and only move when he moves us.

That we will accomplish the work that He has sent us here to do- all to the praise of His glory.

I see very little of the picture right now.  I know where we are moving, we know where my hubby will be working (PRAISE GOD!), but there are many unanswered questions.

And I feel as though we are on the cusp of a great change.  We can follow through the narrow gate and take a hard road that will call us to sacrifice, or we can continue on in mediocrity- giving God a little but not living in day to day dependence upon him.

I don’t want my way anymore!  I see where my impetuous and foolish schemes lead us.  I can view the gallery of my past mistakes and see the grace of God at work, redeeming and restoring.

But this time, I want to step gingerly, regularly checking in with Him- is this what you want?  Show us your way, lead us in your truth!  Guide us and teach us Lord, we wait to hear from you.

Whatever you may be facing, whatever storm is raging, in the face of all the unanswered questions…will you say in faith with me- “Have thine own way Lord.  Have your way in me.”

Lord- to submit, to bend, to bow- to admit we don’t have all the answers can make us feel helpless.  You know how hard it is for us to release control.  Please help us to yield and submit to your righteous hand.  To trust you and take shelter in the shadow of your wing.  To take your yoke and learn from you, our gentle and humble guide.  Those who trust in you will never be ashamed.  Strengthen us for the work you have called us to do.  May our obedience glorify you and testify to the truth that you are the living God, alive and working and changing hearts today.  Make us little children, full of faith, eagerly waiting on you, simply sitting at your feet.  Through your precious Son our Savior I hope and pray, Amen.

When Stretched Beyond What You Could Bear Seemed to End a Long Time Ago…


Do you ever feel it?

The answer seems SO LONG in coming…

God seems silent…you need so desperately to hear a word, to feel his nearness…

Because you are barely holding on, just living day to day- the hardness of life and not having any answers chafes.

We put up a FOR SALE sign in front of our house yesterday.  We don’t know where we are moving.  My husband still doesn’t have a job.

This past week was bad for me.  I didn’t sleep much, my mind was filled with stormy thoughts. I cried a lot, trembled a lot- questioned God A LOT.

I felt abandoned and cast out- afraid.  What is going to happen to our family?  We don’t have any money!  How can we be obedient to God and yet things be this bad?

Our circumstances cause me to tremble.  This is so beyond uncomfortable.

And yet despite all of this, in spite of all of this- I knew I had to get up this morning and seek out my Savior.

No one understands my heart like he does.  He knows what my trembling spirit needs to hear.  His words penetrate my fears and doubts and strengthen me.

He cuts right through all the outer layers straight to the center of all that troubles me and addresses me at my greatest point of need.

This morning, I read about the disciples in Matthew 16.  They were preoccupied with eating (v. 1-12).  That happens to me these days, I can become so fixated on our financial difficulties that it paralyzes me.  I forget-just like the disciples did-lessons that Jesus just taught me.

Matthew 6- do not worry about what you will eat or drink, what you will wear.  Do I doubt God’s love for me?  I know He is aware of all our needs, but when called to walk out my faith- to live day to day not knowing how God will provide- that has stretched me.

I don’t get to see the plan, the long-term, how this is all going to end.  It still remains a mystery.

And like the disciples, I can get so fixated on where the next meal is coming from that I lose sight of my spiritual health.

What I need most right now is time in God’s Word.  Time in prayer.  Time to be silent.  Time to pour out my worries to Him.  Time to linger on who He is- and how He has provided in the past.

Disciplining myself to these things right now is SO HARD!  Our troubles are staring me in the face.  I can’t run from them.  I can’t deny how very real and raw they are.  How present and immediate.

Yet, in spite of it, I can say- at times when I am afraid I will put my trust in thee.

I can speak Isaiah 41:10 to myself-

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold onto you with my righteous right hand.”

Our enemy is always looking to trip us up, play to our fears, keep us distracted by minutia over here so that we miss out on the blessings God longs for us to see right in front of us.

He can’t encourage us if we don’t seek Him.  He can’t give strength to our spirit if we don’t talk with Him, if we don’t listen to the words He longs to lovingly speak.

When Jesus said to the disciples, “beware the yeast of the Pharisees,” I began to think about all those false beliefs I have held about what the life of a Christian looks like.

I didn’t realize it would be this hard.  That God would lead us into storms, or that trials would possibly lead us into a desperate financial situation.  Sometimes I still doubt whether we have been obedient…did I miss a sign along the way?  Did we take a wrong turn?  How could this happen?

And God gently and firmly keeps stretching me in faith- taking me just a little further…and then further in…and then a little further.

To close, I am going to share a quote from Susannah Spurgeon, written after the death of her husband.  This is from a series of writings called “A Basket of Summer Fruit,” available at Grace Gems.

 My heart, until you have learned the lesson of perfect trust- doubts and misgivings are sure to arise, and cloud your fairest prospects. The darkness looks impenetrable when you try to peer into it- the rough places seem impassable when your weary feet stumble over the big stones in the pathway- the mountains of difficulty appear inaccessible when the mists of unbelief veil their true proportions. Truly, the Lord is a God who hides Himself; and, oftentimes, His purposes are carried out on our behalf under the cover of the thick clouds, in which He enwraps Himself.


O precious Savior and Lord, unchanging God and lover of our souls, even when we can’t see- we know you are faithful.  You are always working for our good, desiring that we may know you more intimately and treasure the eternal riches that you pour upon our lives above the temporal ones that entice.  Sometimes you strip away these things to loosen their hold on us, so that we may see the blessed security in holding You alone.  Our dependence on these other things is false- open our eyes to see how truly sufficient you are for all our needs.  Being in the storm is hard.  Grow our faith Lord, in whatever storm we are facing, may our eyes return to you and draw strength from the Rock that cannot be shaken.  May your Word be an anchor that holds us steady when it feels like the whole world has pitched sideways.  Our hope and trust is in You.  You can be depended on.  In all things, through all our days, you are God.  Strengthen our grip.  In Jesus Name and through His power at work in us, Amen.

Into the Storm

Can you spot the guy with his sun glasses on?

As I have studied Matthew 14 over this past week, one point resonated with me above all others.  Sometimes, God puts us in the boat and sends us into the storm. 

Matthew 14:22-24 

22 Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. 23 And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but by this time the boat, battered by the waves, was far from the land, for the wind was against them.

This event takes place right after the feeding of the 5,000.  It has been a long day for Jesus and the disciples.  According to several different gospels, it appears that the disciples have just returned from their travels around the area, ministering to the people, healing the sick, and sharing the message that the kingdom of God is near.

I am sure the disciples were probably tired and ready to get to the other side of the sea and rest.  And instead they find themselves facing a storm that leaves them helpless- no rowing that they do makes any progress toward shore.

The hope that jumped off the page to me was this: God placed us in this storm.   I believe that with all my heart.  We prayed for a week about my husband’s job situation.  He was supposed to get a promotion on the day he lost his job.  We got a clear answer from the Lord.  He closed that door, and I am so thankful that he did.

The amount of money my husband was making, the security of the position (good company, good benefits) would have made it hard for him to leave, even if he was restless and uncertain if this was where the Lord wanted him.

But neither of us imagined that we would find ourselves here, eleven months later, with no income and living only on the provision that the Lord graciously provides through his church.

We arrived at this place step by obedient step; yet there are so many times when I have doubted simply because things just keep getting “worse.”

By “worse” I mean things that I never imagined would happen if we were walking in obedience to God like being broke (literally having NO money!), and having to ask others for help (My hubby and I have prided ourselves on self-sufficiency and not needing help from others financially).

I was wrong- my assumptions about how God would provide for us were wrong.

The Lord has not provided a job yet.  He has closed doors that we thought were the answer we were waiting for.

And with each passing month, we struggled with worry and doubt.  But instead of trying to “fix it” ourselves, we sought the Lord.  We prayed, we sought him in his Word, and He reassured us in our obedience.  He brought peace that helped us hold on for one more day.

There has been strong temptation to just go out and get a job.  ANY job.  I know there are people who know our situation and don’t understand why my husband hasn’t worked anywhere he could.

How do we explain that we have never felt the freedom to do so?

God has led us down a different path?

Would we have had the courage to make the choices we did if we had known that now he would still be without work?

I don’t know.  All I know is, as we have walked through this with the Lord, we have done our best to be obedient.  My hubby has pursued jobs fervently, we have prayed that God would lead him to the right job in his timing.

If I was not confident in the lavish love of our Savior and God, I would never have lasted this long.  I believe that those who trust in Him will not be ashamed.  He promised, and praise be to God, He keeps his promises!

We are being refined.  And just like Peter, we have stepped out of the boat.

We have left behind any other security or safety net- and our hope is only in God.

He is the only one who keeps us walking forward, step by step.

We have our eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.

All that is happening in our lives, it is the work of God.  We can claim no credit; for we are doing very little- yet what we are doing is the most vital thing- our hope and trust is in God.

We are looking to him and him alone for deliverance.

We know that He began this storm, and our God, with a word, can calm the storm.

His provision is coming.

His timing is perfect.

And he gently keeps calling me, as the storm rages and my eyes are tempted to watch the swell of a passing wave, or look back to the safety of the boat…

Keep your eyes on me.

Trust me.

I’ve got you.